USEFUL SURVIVAL TIPS @ THE WORKPLACE

Funny but sometimes true

LESSON 1
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting.
On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp.
They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says :
" Normally, one is granted three wishes, but as you are three, I will allow one wish each. "
So the eager senior manager shouted : " I want the first wish.
I want to be in the Bahamas , on a fast boat and have no worries."
Pfufffff .... and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted :
" I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails.. "
Pfufffff .... And he was also gone.
The boss calmly said : " I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.30 pm.. "
MORAL OF THE STORY :
ALWAYS LET THE BOSS SPEAK FIRST


LESSON 2
Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand,
" Listen," said the CEO, " this is a very sensitive and important document,
and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
" Certainly," said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
" Excellent, excellent! " said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine.
" I just need one copy. "
MORAL OF THE STORY:
NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING


LESSON 3
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA When
the American turned to the Japanese and asked
" What kind of -ese are you ? "
The Japanese, confused, replied : " Sorry, but I don't understand what you mean. "
The American repeated : " What kind of -ese are you ? "
Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled : " What kind of -ese are you
.. Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese !, etc......??? "
The Japanese then replied : " Oh, I am a Japanese. "
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled : " What do you mean what kind of -kee' am I ?! "
The Japanese said, " Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee ? "
MORAL OF THE STORY:
NEVER INSULT ANYONE


LESSON 4
There were these 4 guys --- a Russian, a German, an American and a French,
who together found this small genie bottle.
When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared..
Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said :
" Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish.
When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become,
then your wish will come true. "
The French wanted to start.
He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted : " Wine ! "
The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine.
The Frenchman was very happy, swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn.
He did the same and shouted : " Vodka ! " and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted : " Beer ! "
He was likewise very contented with his beer-filled pool.
The last is the American.
He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel.
He slipped towards the pool and shouted, " Shit !!!!!!!........."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
ALWAYS THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING,
BECAUSE SOMETIMES ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN !


LESSON 5
The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
Each organ took a turn to speak up.
Brain......... I should be in charge because I run all body functions..
Blood........ I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.
Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food for the brain..
Legs.......... I should be in charge because I take the brain where it wants to go.
Eyes......... I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's going.
Asshole.....I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste..
All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad.
To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and
s tayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.
Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief
Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly
Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable
Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred
Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body
Day 6 -The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK YOU ARE,
YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS AN ASSHOLE THAT IS TRULY IN CHARGE

NOW GET BACK TO WORK !!

MEN!!!!

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied.

'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE ! '

And they say blondes are dumb....
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A couple is lying in bed.. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world..'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you........
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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,'
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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Dear Lord,
I prayed for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
--------------------------

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
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Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day! And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!

Be Careful What You Put on Facebook (Be forewarned - R-rated Material)

Click the image to enlarge it. Read the amusing comments from her so-called friends.

Replacement Windows -- Priceless !!!!

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

Derivative Markets for Dummies

If you don't understand the Stock markets let me explain it to you:

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit. She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar. To solve this problem, she comes up with new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit. By providing her customers' freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then bundled and traded on international security markets. Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics.

Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi.

Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since, Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and the eleven employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS drop in price by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the banks liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community. The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the various BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multi-billion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the Government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers. Now, do you understand?

"A Constitution of Government once changed from Freedom, can never be restored. Liberty, once lost, is lost forever." -- John Adams

Could this be the solution to the global financial crisis?

In a small town on the South Coast of France, the holiday season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much business taking place. Everyone is heavily in debt.

Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a Euro100 note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor.

• The hotel owner takes the banknote in a hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes E100.
• The butcher takes the money and races to his supplier to pay his debt.
• The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay E100 for pigs he purchased some time ago.
• The farmer triumphantly gives the E100 note to a local prostitute who gave him her services on credit.
• The prostitute quickly goe s to the hotel, as she was owing the hotel for her hourly room used to entertain clients.
• At that moment, the rich Russian comes down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the room is nsatisfactory and takes his E100 back and departs.

There was no profit or income. But everyone no longer has any debt and the small town’s people look optimistically towards their future.
Could this be the solution to the global financial crisis?

Church bulletin bloopers

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell ?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife
is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and
runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll
give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her
towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands
her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back
upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,
'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything
about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and
risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to
prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown
to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his
hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears,
he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the
flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed
to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you
will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you
might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the
manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I
want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the
world.' Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want
to be in Hawaii ,20 relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,
an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in
the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing
nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,
'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle
and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit
and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of
that tree' sighed the turkey,
'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my
droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it
actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest
branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he
reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was
proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him
out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it
won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It
was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground
into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and
dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow
dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began
to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird
under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy..

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's
best to keep your mouth shut!

Boat Story!

They say the two happiest days in life are the day you buy a boat and the day you sell it!!

Well, here's a good BOAT story!!

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-starters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unknown to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.

A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway.. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!"

The old woman fainted.

Proper Grammar

On my 66th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

I was encouraged.. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!

ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!!

What starts with f and ends in k

Editor's note: Be forewarned - This joke is full of innuendos.

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry:'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog
does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

Genie

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the
window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll
haveapologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw
the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken
antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke
my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see,
I'm a g enie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand
years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three
wishes. I'll Give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll
keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for! the rest of my
life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can
do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd
like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country
in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be
safe from fire,burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

" Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with
a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your
wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we
both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mul! led it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're
right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but
what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.

"I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs
where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The
genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your
husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.


"Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you
still believe in genies?"

Why Chinese should not have Christian names

Anne Chang
(Mandarin)-Dirty

Anne Chin
(Mandarin) - Keep quiet

Faye Chen
(Mandarin) - Dusty

Carl Cheng
(Hokkien) - Buttock

Monica Cheng
Hokkien) - Touching your buttocks

Lucy Leow
(Hokkien) - You are dead

Jane Tan
(Mandarin) - Frying eggs

Suzie Leow
(Hokkien) - Lost till death

Henry Mah
(Mandarin) - Hate your mum

Corrine Tai
(Hokkien) - Poor fellow

Paul Chan
(Mandarin) - Bankrupt

Nelson Tan
(Mandarin) - Bird laying eggs

Leslie Tong
(Mandarin) - Rubbish bin

Carmen Teng
(Hokkien) - Leg hair long

Connie Mah
(Cantonese) - Call your mother

Danny See
(Hokkien) - Squeeze you to death

Rosie Teng
(Hokkien) - Screws and nails

Pete Tsai
(Hokkien) - Nose droppings

Macy Koh
(Cantonese) - Never die before

Farmer's Donkey

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less

NOW --------

Enough of that crap ...

The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had
tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer
eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass,
it always comes back to bite you.

English

The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it economically when communicating their intentions. Compare these phrases that Malaysians and Britons use to say the same thing: So, why make things so confusing and waste of money when you are on a long distance call. Make it snappy.


WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Malaysians: No Stock.

RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
Malaysians: Hallo, who page?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY.
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Malaysians: S-kews (Excuse)

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Malaysians: No-need, lah.

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Malaysians: (while pointing at door) Can or not?

WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians: Don't be shy, lah!

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Malaysians: Where got?

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
Malaysians: Doe-waaaan! (don't want)

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.
Malaysians: You mad, ah?

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Malaysians: Shaddap lah! (Shut up lah)

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU.
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
Malaysians: See what, see what?

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment.
Malaysians: Die-lah!!

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?
Malaysians: Why like that???? (jumping to conclusion)